Rite. Write. Right.

Adieu Friendster Blog! I am switching to Blogspot. Those interested to continue reading my rantings, go to http://amrahabdulmajid.blogspot.com. Kalau ada yang interested lah. Haha.

Dear You,

I hope you understand that everything I told you last night is with all sincerity and honesty. 

You gave me the freedom to choose and to change my mind if I want to. But the truth is, I do not want to change my mind. I do not want to unravel this. I want to keep it this way. I’ve made up my mind long ago so I plan to stick to it, no matter what. I am rejecting that offer you made me and as I said last night, I am not going far, unless you want me to.

It’s not going to be easy. Nothing is. There will be obstacles: arguments, fights, misunderstanding. But Allah is here. We just have to work and pray hard to keep Him on our side.

I’m glad that you think I’m weird. But I’m weird only because I want you to know that you are special.

Thank you for everything: for making me happy and for all the things you do for me.

I may be going to Melbourne but I will never be far. And I hope you won’t be too.

With only 2 weeks to go, I am now overwhelmed with millions of things to do. As I came into the main office this morning, the clerks were all asking about my students’ grades which I submitted a week ago. Apparently, they didn’t get those grades so I had to spend the whole morning re-submitting everything that I have done one whole freaking week ago. I was quite pissed at having to do the same thing twice. Yelah, dah la tengah banyak kerja lain. If only I knew from the beginning, I would have done all those things myself, no problem at all.

Takpe la, ujian Allah.

Last week was also hectic. Ke sana ke mari. I wasn’t in the office the whole week. Kejap kat Putrajaya, kejap kat UKM, kejap kat Damansara, kejap kat hospital pulak. As a result, I was so tired that I almost succumbed to fever and I got a nasty cold. Nak nangis jek bile rasa nak demam tu because I was thinking, kalau demam, mesti tak larat nak buat apa-apa. Takpe lah, sakit itu magrefah, bak kata dia. To cleanse my sins and wrongdoings before I leave to begin a new life. InsyaAllah.

Last week, amidst the busy-ness and craziness, I managed to have lunch with my colleagues Ping, Clarence and Atie who are also leaving soon. Atie and Ping will also be going to Australia while Clarence will be doing his PhD at the prestigious National Univesity of Singapore. I’m happy that both Ping and Atie will be in Australia too although Atie will be too far to reach (Brisbane). The good news is, Ping is also going to Melbourne! But alas, both are married so they have their husbands to take care of. I admit, I am kind of jealous that they get to have someone with them while I will be totally on my own. Yelah, at least, there’s one person who can take care of them already right next to them. Takpe lah, this is the time for me to learn to survive on my own. Bila lagi nak hidup sendiri di tempat asing kan? Cewah. Lame attempt to ease my worries and fears. Haha.

As much as I am excited to go to Australia, to finally live my life-long dream, I am quite scared too. I am most worried about my studies, wondering if I am ready to do my PhD. This is not just Masters, it’s PhD. Ilmu yang ada ni rasa macam belum cukup nak ambil PhD. But since Monash has already offered me a place for a probationary PhD, they must think that I am ready to begin my PhD. If not, they would have rejected my application. Lagipun, I will get one year of foundation studies before undertaking PhD. So now, all I need is sheer hard work and determination. When I was doing my degree, I could just breeze through every semester with minimum effort but not PhD. Kalau tak, abes la kena buang kerja and on top of that, kena bayar balik the scholarship. Banyak pulak tu. Ish, Nauzubillah.

I’m also sad to leave everyone behind. If I were a billionaire, I would move my family and close friends to Australia with me. Haha. I have been in this comfort zone for a long time. Mak Ayah have always been around to help with anything. My friends have also been around to become my shoulders to cry on, my lunch partners and my partners in crime but soon, they will all be out of physical reach. Yelah, zaman teknologi ni senang. I can talk to them everyday if I want to, through Skype. But that won’t be the same anymore. I wonder how am I going to survive without any of them.

I have also been thinking about the things I will miss when I leave. I won’t get to see Mar getting engaged or getting married. I will miss Adda’s wedding too. Heck, come to think about it, I will miss most of my friends’ weddings! Not only that, perhaps even their first babies. I will also miss seeing Iman go to ‘big girls’ school. And if she were to have a baby brother or a baby sister anytime, I won’t get to welcome him or her to this world. I won’t get to go berhari raya with Adi and gang anymore. When I come back, they will probably be with their wives, so no more lepak-lepak orang bujang. I won’t get to have Friday nights with Syima and Mar anymore. No more expensive lunches with Syima. No more picnics and trips. No more weekend outings. No more receiving calls from Atih and Humaira out of nowhere every week like I’m used to now. Sedih la pulak bile fikir benda-benda ni. Huhu. But Kak Ani, my cousin’s wife told me that these are the sacrifices that I have to make in the quest for knowledge. Moga-moga Allah memberkati.

Then I also think about my future apart from my studies. When am I going to settle down? When can I start a family? Hey, I’m already 24, I have to think about these things too. I actually talked to Mak about this last weekend and she gave some insights on what she thinks is the best for me. She said that I must always remember that doing my PhD is amanah from the government so I must always put that in front. Nanti Allah persoalkan pulak di Padang Mahsyar. But she also made it clear that both she and Ayah will not have any problem with me getting married while I’m doing my PhD. In fact, Ayah mentioned a long time ago that he prefers that I get married before I do my PhD. Mak only wants to make sure that I know what’s important.

Well, I just have to take things slowly, don’t rush into things too much. The book ‘La Tahzan’ said that a good Muslim must not always think or worry too much about the future until it comes because the future is not ours. We only have to do the best in everything. Let Allah work His Miracles. He certainly has shown me His Miracles. Just three weeks ago I was facing and dealing with too many uncertainties but now, everything is slowly getting in place, like a jigsaw puzzle.

I have a promising life now. I must always work hard to keep it that way. There will be hiccups here and there, but none too difficult for me to bear. I have my family, my friends and him ready to support me. But best of all, I always have Allah with me. All the time. In Malaysia, in Australia. Anywhere. Anytime. Ain’t He Great? =)

Today I contacted my sponsors - Kementerian Pengajian Tinggi Malaysia. Then I found out that:

1. I have to leave earlier than expected. I was planning to leave after Christmas but they want me to leave by the 14th of December! Which is just three weeks away!!!

2. They are only paying for my studies for three years (including a year for my probation)! How in the world am I supposed to finish my PhD in two years??!! But they said that a year’s extension is possible. Therefore, I have to get my thesis done by December 2012 when Monash actually outlined February 2014 as my deadline. Erkkk..!

I am excited that I am finally leaving. Too soon for my liking but hey, I wanted this badly, didn’t I? Ever since Kak Lin left for the UK when I was eight, I have always dreamed of going overseas too. Now, I finally get to live my dreams. Cool eh? Alhamdulillah. =)

But in truth, I am scared too. And sad. And agitated. And nervous. And worried. And bla bla bla. Hehe. Mixed feelings. I wonder if I am ready to do my PhD. I worry that I can’t meet the deadline set by KPT. And most of all, I am sad that I am leaving behind my family and friends. Especially my friends. Not that I won’t be missing my family but family bond is forever. No matter what, I will always have Mak, Ayah, Kak Lin, Abang Min, Abang Lan, Afif, Anas, Abang Azmi, Kak Mun, Iman and Amni. Friendships last forever too, especially great ones, like the ones I am blessed with. But like a friend said today, our paths will be too different now. We don’t know when they will cross again.

I guess we have all come to a point where we have to choose our own paths. Mar is getting engaged and quite soon, her devotion will be for her husband. Hanim is already busy in Sweden. Even now we don’t really contact each other that much since she is so busy with her masters. Atih started a new job and is enjoying it tremendously. Syima is busy mapping out her future which I am sure will turn out just fine. And these are the people I used to spend everyday with back in IIUM. We ate every meal together, went to classes together, slept together, did assignments together, studied together, went to the movies together. Everything. I feel like I grew up with them and they are the ones who know me best. But now, we are too different. But these changes are bound to happen, sooner or later anyway.

I realize that I worry too much about the future. Atih said I think too much. He said I have too many doubts (especially to him la kan… haha). The best I can do is just to pray for the best in everything. Allah itu sentiasa ada. Asni reminded me: don’t underestimate the power of do’a. How true that is. Mar said my future now seems perfect. I like that idea. But I am constantly reminded that Allah can take that away from me just as easily as He cleared the paths for me. (Reminder to self: MUST ALWAYS THANK ALLAH FOR HIS BLESSINGS. MUST ALWAYS PRAY THAT HE WILL FURTHER EASE MY PATH. MUST ALWAYS AIM TO GET HIS BLESSINGS. MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM.)

Let’s not worry too much. Because as for now, I have Monash to look forward to. And *ehem*, the other one too… =p

Come December 2008, my future shall begin here… InsyaAllah. Pray for me! =)

So many things have happened for the past few days that I cannot even imagine I could be so lucky to obtain Allah’s Mercy and Rezeqi.

I dare not elaborate much but the most I can say is that finally, my future seems brighter. =)

And I only have Allah to thank. For listening to my cries and pleads. For giving me these chances. For showering me with His Love and Mercy. Even though I am far from a perfect slave of His but nevertheless, He never fails to listen to me. Oh Lord, You are the Greatest. I should now do my best to be a better slave of Allah. He has given me so much. That is the least I can do.

To Syima, Atih, Mar, Humaira, Asni, Tasya, Khairiyah and everyone yang pernah mendengar keluhan hati saya, I thank you for constantly reminding me that Allah is there. Not only did you remind me of that but you also listened to my complaints and your soothing advice kept me going. You are indeed heaven-sent and I love you all for that.

Perjalanan masih jauh. I still need His Guidance and His Mercy. We can only plan but He decides. I pray that whatever obstacles He has in store for me, I will be able to face them all with patience and prayers. If He thinks that these are the best for me, then I hope He will always guide me to be the best I can be.

Doakan saya.

Doakan kami. =p

“And know that victory comes with patience and that relief comes with hardship.” - The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w)

When I stumbled upon this hadith while searching for some solace last week, I was touched to the core. The Prophet’s words ease all the worries I was feeling, every fear, nightmare, bad thought, negative vibe. Everything along those lines. The theory is simple: easy come, easy go. Everything that is easily obtained may be too slippery to maintain. But the problem is patience. How do we attain the utmost patience? We are weak. I am weak. Sometimes I forget. No, scratch that. A lot of times, I forget. Then I whine and I complain and I cry. But Allah always answers me. Like last week. I was feeling negative about my study opportunity but the moment I realized that I was being overboard, He quickly delivered a dose of good news for me. And I was ashamed for not being patient.

“Every matter that Allah decrees for His slave is better for him. And know that what has befallen you was not going to miss you and that which has missed you was not meant to befall you.” - The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w)

Life is full of regrets. But the key is not to regret but to learn from those mistakes. They happen for reasons we may not understand now but all will be clear later. Like the people I have met and wished I have never known. I now know I met them for many reasons. To show me the type of persons I should never associate myself with. And the type of person I should never be. And the type of person I do not want my future husband to be. And the type of person I do not want my future children to be. Nauzubillah. There are also the kind and wise people I met. People who I am lucky to call my family and friends and for them to be able to teach me lessons in life I was too ignorant and stubborn to learn about. The things that happen to me. All to teach me about many, many things. Allah knows Best, doesn’t He?

“Leave the future alone until it comes.” - ‘Aaidh ibn Abdullah Al-Qarni, author of ‘La Tahzan’.

The future is not ours to worry about. We work hard for the future, planning everything. But in truth, Allah is the One Who Decides. So human planning has its limitations. Of course we need to give the best for tomorrow. After all, whatever we sow, so shall we reap. But think about it. We may not even be able to reap what we sow as death is certain yet unknown. So the best is to do the best everyday: both for today and tomorrow. Come to think about it, how many times have I witnessed my plans which I have carefully and selectively outlined everyday go to pieces as Allah has His Own Plans for me. Shakespeare said: “All the world’s a stage and we are merely players.” True. We are all actors in the huge stage and Allah is the Director. He decides what happens.

“Do not love someone too much as one day you might hate him and do not hate someone too much as one day you might love him.” - The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w)

How true this is again. Look arond us. How many lovers have turned into enemies and how many enemies have turned into lovers? Isn’t it better to aim for Allah’s Blessings when we fall in love rather than shout out loud and show off to the world that we are in love? Pray that he or she is the one for us. Pray that he or she will be able to bring us closer to Him, to be the best for our families, our societies, our future generations and for ourselves. Pray for a happy union. Pray for a blessed marriage. PRAY. Remember Rossa’s song ‘Ayat-ayat Cinta’? The line: “Namun harus ku tinggalkan cinta, ketika ku bersujud.” A reminder that human love is NOT eternal, NOT forever as many lovers would like to believe. Even when we pray, when we face Him, we have to leave those feelings behind. Love for Allah is far greater. So when I fall in love, I wish for him to be able to bring me closer to the Lord,  to be able to guide me to be a better person: a good servant of Allah, a good wife to him, a good mother to our children, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend and a good lecturer. And I also wish for me to be able to encourage him to be a better person than he already is. And I hope for both of us to build not just a successful family but a blessed one too. Children who know the ways of the world but remember that they will all return to Allah one day. Children who can give us, the parents solace and happiness and who can pray for us when we are gone. I hope to emulate the way the Prophet brought up Fatimah and the way Fatimah and Ali, brought up Hassan and Hussin.

I can always get through day by day without a lot of things but I can never get through a day without Allah’s Guidance. May we never go astray from Him.

Majlis Fatwa announced that yoga may be ruled as haram for Muslims as the practice may deviate the ‘Aqidah.

Haaa… tu, ulama’ dah cakap, dengar je la. Ni kenapa nak argue-argue lagi?

Honestly, it irks me that normal people like me here questions ulama’ and religious scholars everytime they come up with a new ruling concerning Islam. All hell will break loose. Some question why these scholars pay attention to such trivial matter, others accuse them of not doing their homework (no extensive research) and the worst is the people who deem the ulama’ as shallow and narrow-minded. Nauzubillah. I pray that Allah protect myself, my family and my friends from such thoughts.

Number One.

Who are we to question these ulama’? Look at us. Sedangkan solat lima waktu pun belum tentu lengkap or ada yang baik sikit tu, solat tapi solat lambat and nak khusyuk dalam solat pun kena struggle. Yelah, dalam solat la teringat kerja tak siap lagi, masalah chenta, masalah itu ini. Haa..! Masa Ramadhan aritu, adakah kita lengkap solat terawih setiap malam? And adakah kita ni rajin bangun solat tahajjud, rajin baca Qur’an, rajin baca kitab-kitab agama untuk mendalami ilmu agama? Jadi, siapalah kita ni nak persoalkan ulama’? Nabi (s.a.w) pernah mengatakan yang setelah baginda wafat, ulama’ la yang menjadi pewaris baginda. So, if we question them, it is the same as questioning our beloved Prophet (s.a.w) himself. The people in Majlis Fatwa bukannya calang-calang orang. They are experts in Islamic fields such as Usuluddin, Fiqh, Syariah, etc. Meanwhile, people like you and me are those who study those fields as minors in the four years of undergraduate studies. Or worse, who knows Islam based on the subject Pendidikan Islam in school. Bayangkan, taraf pengetahuan kita dengan mereka mengenai Islam bagaikan langit dengan bumi! Plus, it is not that simple to make a Fatwa. Extensive research has to be conducted before any ruling can be made. It’s not like they google ‘Yoga’ then decide that it is haram. I can guarantee you that these people know more about Yoga than many of those who practice it.

Number Two.

This is NOT a simple or mundane matter. It is the matter of ‘Aqidah, believe in Allah - the most fundamental tenet for any and every Muslim. This is to say that kalau sikit saje ‘Aqidah terpesong, then berdosa, maka amalan-amalan lain tidak diterima. ‘Aqidah ni, mudah sangat nak tergelincir. A simple example would be, katakan la everytime one person wears the same shoes, he is blessed with good luck and terdetik dalam hatinya secara tak sengaja, “This shoes must be my lucky charm! It brings me luck all the time!”, maka dia telah dianggap syirik. Takut tak? Jadi, Majlis Fatwa khuatir yang umat-umat Islam yang mengamalkan Yoga akan secara tidak sengaja membuat dosa syirik which is one of the dosa-dosa besar. The concept of Iman is mengatakan dengan mulut, melakukan dengan perbuatan dan membenarkan dengan hati. Therefore, Muslims must not have even a small glimpse of shadow of doubt towards Allah. ’See? Not as ’simple’ and ‘mundane’ as you may think.

Number Three.

Fatwa is related to matters that are not mentioned in the Qur’an. Yes, the Qur’an is comprehensive but not every single thing is mentioned in it. Some things are clearly unlawful or haram according to the Qur’an. But since we live in an ever-changing world, there are new issues to be discussed everyday. That is why there is Sunnah of the Prophet and also rulings issued by ulama’ and religious scholars to be referred to. Like praying, for example. It is not mentioned in the Qur’an how we should pray, meaning that there is no explanation on how many sujud, ruku’ and what should be read when praying. So how do we know how to perform prayers? The Prophet (s.a.w) showed us how. And also, drugs. There is no ruling in the Qur’an stating that drugs are haram and heroine, syabu, etc, were not available during the time of the Prophet (s.a.w). But ulama’ have decided that taking drugs is haram because it causes a person to be high (lose consciousness) and is detrimental for health which is the same as committing suicide. Note that the effects of drugs are similar to the effects of alcoholic beverages. They derived the rulings based on this (I learned this when I studied Usul Al-Fiqh in IIUM). Which is the same as Yoga lah. I read that this (yet to be announced) ruling is based on the ruling made by the ulama’ of Mesir earlier. Therefore, this is based on consensus of opinions of other ulama’ too.

Number Four.

If you do not agree with any fatwa made by the ulama’ and you refuse to follow it, it is up to you. That is between you and Allah. That means, pandai la cari jawapan kat Padang Mahsyar nanti. But please do not condemn the ulama’ for carrying out their duties, their ‘amanah. They are only doing what they have to do. Like teachers. If they don’t teach our children what we expect them to teach, we will go berserk. Thus, Allah will question these scholars that day on Padang Mahsyar if they do nothing about issues that create doubts about Islam and Muslims. And we all know that His Wrath is much more Powerful than ours.

Number Five.

There is no such thing as ‘this is the way I practice Islam so let it be!’ or ‘your Islam is different than mine’. The correct way is only through following the Qur’an and Sunnah. Therefore, the practices of Islam CANNOT be selected. Macam pakai tudung la. ‘Ala arini panas, malas nak pakai tudung..!’. No way! I remember when I attended a course here in UKM and I was presenting my potential research proposal. I was nervous so I said one of the aims of my research for PhD is to look at how Muslims worldwide practice Islam. The professor raised one eyebrow and looked at me saying: “Mana ada perbezaan dalam ajaran Islam. Manusia yang create those differences. The correct way is through Qur’an and Sunnah only.’ Even though I said it as a result of gelabahness, what the professor said was, is and will always be right. And I should not have said it because if a non-Muslim heard my statement, he would have thought that Islamic practices are diverse.

If we continue to question our ulama’, it is no wonder that Muslims and Islam are made fun off every single day. Sedangkan orang-orang Islam sendiri tidak menghormati agama mereka, how do we expect others to show their respect to us, to Islam?

Our lives are filled with excuses.

Admit it. Everytime we commit a sin or make a mistake, we tell ourselves (and others) that we do it for a reason. But, ironically, that’s mainly to erase the guilt, to justify our acts.

Like when Ashraf Sinclair was caught kissing his girlfriend, Bunga Citra Lestari and everyone was condemning them for doing so. His excuse was that he was swayed by love and love is supposed to ‘conquer’ all. 

Or when Ulama’ annonced that the practice of Yoga is deviated from the teachings of Islam. Yoga enthusiats went on and on about how these religious scholars don’t understand the fact that it is just a form of exercise.

And when a friend of mine told me he went to a club in KL just to observe how clubbers have fun. His said he didn’t drink, he didn’t dance, he was merely observing.

Or when another friend told me everything she did which hurt others’ feelings was for reasons that I did, may and will not understand.

And when Muslims are told NOT to celebrate Halloween, party-goers claim that they are only learning other cultures. The same case as Valentine’s. Lovers (and ironically, mostly unmarried couples), staunchly stand by the fact that it is not wrong to ’spread’ love and to show ‘appreciation’ to the ‘love’ of their lives.

One question: When Allah question us on all these that fateful day at the Padang Mahsyar, are we all going to argue like we do now? “But My Lord…! I was only…”.

Another question: Does Allah care that we have those reasons to back us up?

Answer for both: NO. NO WAY.

Easy. Niat tidak menghalalkan cara. Ever.

My brother once asked me a question which his lecturer asked them all in class. What if, a Muslim religious scholar, goes into a remote village, to meet up a group of Orang Asli, with the aim to spread Islam to the people there and he is told that he needs to perform certain Orang Asli rituals and is guaranteed that once he performs those rituals, the 200 Orang Asli population in the village will accept Islam. Should the ustaz do those rituals which are clearly against Islamic teachings? Look at the number of new Muslim converts (or reverts) he would have managed to attract! I couldn’t answer the question so I asked a friend who has formal education in Islamic Studies and his answer was simple. NO, the Ustaz MUST NOT perform the rituals. In Islam, the ends do not justify the means. There is no such thing as doing evil for a greater good.

The example I gave above shows that even in relations to spreading Islam itself, we MUST not stoop to a lower level. Therefore, committing sins are wrong, no matter the reasons. Well, a ’sin’ itself means the action of breaking a religious or moral law.

Look at it this way.

If we see in the news a mother beats up her child up to a point where the child breaks a bone or two, we condemn the mother as an abuser even when she explains that what she does is only to discipline her unruly child.

Remember the case of the teacher who asked her students to get into the school’s dirty pond as a punishment? The incident caused an uproar even though the teacher explained that she did so as the students were being very indisciplined.

Or any case of a wife falling in love with another man who is not her husband. I can guarantee that our creative society will come up with interesting names to label that woman even though she explains that her husband does not provide enough for her.

Oh yes, I am sure many are familiar with the situations where we do not do well in exams or tests or quizzes and the lecturers scold us even though we explain that we have been bogged down with too many workload for other courses.

So you see here, even as (ir)rational human beings, we ourselves CANNOT accept excuses. But then we expect Our Lord to accept the silly excuses we give everytime we commit a sin?

Good friends and family we have around us serve as reminders. I am blessed everytime Syima reminds me that I must not dilly-dally in performing my prayers or when Mar reminds me that I must be thankful for everything I have or when Maira tells me I must never hurt anyone’s feelings as Allah loves those who take care of others’ feelings or when Atih tells me I must always be patient in dealing with everything in life or when he reminds me I must not buy things I do not need. I am blessed and loved everytime my parents and siblings scold me for the many mistakes I make everyday.

It is very hard to admit we are wrong. But if the people around us point out our mistakes, let us all try and ponder on those instead of arguing. Especially in relations to religion. If someone who clearly has better understanding in Islam than us points out that such and such is wrong according to the Qur’an and Sunnah, best we keep quiet and accept it. Sometimes we argue to look smart but we end up looking stupid. 

This is also a reminder to myself with the aim to be a better Muslimah, InsyaAllah. =)

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I heard the azan Subuh but I decided to roll around on my bed. Only half an hour later that I got up to pray. Astaghfirullah.

Then I went back to bed when I could have just grabbed my towel and go take a shower and get ready for work. It was already 6.45 am anyway. But nooo… I decided to go back to sleep, so not in the mood to begin a new day. Then at 7.20 am, my alarm rang, I switched it off. It rang again at 7.30 am, I switched it off again. It rang again at 7.40 am, I switched it off again! But this time, I recited ‘Auzubillahiminasyaitanirrajim and slowly got off my bed. Finally! Alhamdulillah.

Took my own sweet time to get ready for work. By 8.30 am, I still had not put on my tudung. Went down to have breakfast, lazily reading the newspapers, smirking at the news. Heh. Chugging down my coffee, munching my bread. By 9 am, I was still at home. Still had time to annoy Iman Amani and chatted with Mak. Left work at 9.15 am. Reached UKM at 9.45. Clocked in. Time: 9.50 am. Amboi amboi. Pemalas sungguh.

Ugh.

I have managed to keep the negative vibes away for so long, since ‘Eid, I think, but now that ‘Eid is over, those vibes come rolling back. Aduhaaaiiii. Tak larat lah nak berfikiran negatif. Huhu.

November is approaching, soon enough. I still do not have an offer letter from either Monash or ANU. Strangely, I am not freaking out. I just thought that if Allah forbids me from leaving anytime soon, then He must have His reasons for doing so. I have my plan B already. I really hope I do not have to execute that plan but if I am left with no other choice, I just might have to do it. Tawakkal. But then again, I do not wish to see my scholarship goes to waste, the window of opportunity wiped out yet again. *still praying hard* Chiew Ping, and Atie got their offer letters already. Ping is leaving soon (and she just got married!). Atie is faced with some time problems but I am positive that KPT will favour her. Me??? Oh well…

Suddenly I miss Amni. I mean, I miss her everyday but today, I miss her more than usual. I looked at pictures of her in my brother and sister-in-law’s Facebook, wishing I could kiss those tembam cheeks again. Wishing I could swim with her again. Wishing I could sleep with her again. Wishing I could see her throw one of her ‘gawang’ tantrums again. Wishing I could see her walk again. Wishing I could see both she and Iman playing again. Abang Min, bawak la Amni balik nanti!!!

And I miss last week.  =(