Rite. Write. Right.

We, human beings, being the weak creatures that we are, have the terrible tendency to focus and highlight on others’ weaknesses rather than accept the good that our fellow homo sapiens have to offer. Once our close friends go against us or do something that might have hurt us, we forget all other things that they had done and sacrificed for us. They might have spent sleepless nights with us while we were going through a particularly hard time. They might have lent us money when we had financial problems. They might have listened to every possible problem that we had. They might have had provided us with class notes when we did not attend that particular class because we fell sick. They might have shared what little food they had with us when we were starving to death. They might have stood up for us in difficult times. Heck, they might even fought our fights for us!

Yet, we keep on emphasizing that they are too bossy, too temperamental, too selfish, too lazy, too bla bla bla. We forget that our friends are far from perfect and they too have their flaws. We forget that along the way, we might have hurt their feelings too. We forget that, like them, we are not perfect too. We are also too bossy, too temperamental, too selfish, too lazy, too bla bla bla. We forget that they may face problems that we cannot even begin to understand that may cloud their attitudes.

I am not proud to say that I had also done such things to people that I love and treasure most in live. And for that, I am sorry. I may seem like I do not give a damn, but God knows I do. I care more than I ever show. My lack of expressions do not even reflect what I feel inside.

And to you… how could you say that I don’t trust you? I was the one who put you in the position that you are in right now. Do you know why? Because I believed in you. I have my doubts now though. Because it seems that power had gotten to you. You were not like this before. But now, you can hardly accept any advice and you called those who tried to advice you as irresponsible individuals when they were the ones whom you turned to when you had problems. You took my advice as my lack of support towards you. Even if you disagreed with me, do not take me wrong. Not all I said had no basis. I am experienced too, remember? I was merely worried. I still am but now I do not know how to talk to you anymore. We were so close but now you don’t even say ‘hi’ to me whenever you see me around. Whatever I say you take it as a sign of disrespect and distrust towards you. You need to prove yourself now. We have all fought your fights for you. We made you look good, we defended you when you were so weak and you succumbed to every pressure. And is this how you repay us? You have made yourself ‘exclusive’. Now proof to us how ‘exclusive’ you are exactly. Don’t just say, DO IT! I am a person of results. I only will respect you again after you have proven yourself again and this is my challenge to you. I don’t care if you think bad about me and my intentions as only Allah and I know what I feel and the reasons why I did what I did. I do not have to explain myself. I don’t owe that to you. You owe that to yourself. Think about it… I am not perfect. I made a lot of mistakes too but I also know that there are some things that I can offer to you.

And in case you are not satisfied, I am here to say that I am not the only one to say these. Look around you and learn. You may have that wonderful image that you carry on so well, but don’t think you can hide forever. People will know. They will find out. They will know that whatever you said were merely words from you and nothing more. So you have no choice but to prove yourself. 

Politics make me sick.

Honestly, how stupid do you think we are?

I knew about the massacre a few hours after it occurred. The death toll was then 22. Today, the death toll stands at 33, including the student who committed those murders before pulling the gun on himself. He was 23, a South Korean national and he was an English major. Cho Seung-Hui was his name.

As much as I sympathize over the loss of many lives, I am also perplexed by the investigations and the questions that were raised by the media and the people. Suddenly, everyone starts pointing fingers at one another. The public and the victims’ family (naturally), blame the school for not taking more immediate action. A professor at the English Department also mentioned that she complained about Cho’s disturbing behaviours which was apparent in his writings two years ago. Fingers are also pointed out at South Korea, with the media, continuously emphasizing the fact that the killer was a South Korean.

First of all, I don’t think that anybody would have expected Cho to do what he did. Yes, he was a weird person, showing both signs of violence and depression and he had complaints made against him that even reached the local police. However, how was these people to know that he was going to go on to commit the bloodiest campus rampage in the history of the States? He never had a criminal record. Apart from the complaints, he was no trouble. Even his roommate and former roommate thought that he was just a very shy and weird kid. Some people are indeed more quiet and shy than the others. And some are even weirder. But not many turned out to be murderers.

The thing that should have been done was during the rampage. The information I gathered from the Net and from watching CNN and BBC showed that the shooting first occurred in a dorm where he killed two people and two hours after that, he attacked Norris Hall with bullets. Two hours? That’s enough time to call the police and to warn the students of the danger. And what did the university do? They sent e-mails. It still sounds ridiculous to me. If only they had taken more active actions, they could have saved the other 30 lives.

I am also very disgusted at the media for repeatedly highlighting the fact that he was South Korean. True, he was an Asian man. But he migrated to the States in 1992, when he was only eight. He lived more than half of his live in the States, which technically, made him more an American than a Korean. Logically, 15 years of living in a society is enough time to adapt to the norms of that particular society. It is thus, unfair to focus on the fact that he was Asian.

CNN covered the story of how Cho bought the gun he used in the murders.
The transaction was done within 10 minutes. All he had to do was to
show his identification. In fact, anyone without a criminal record can
buy guns at their will. Too easy. And too dangerous. The newscaster in CNN then read an e-mail sent by someone from The Netherlands which sounded something like this: "A society which allows a gun to be bought so easily like buying newspapers is a society which breeds violence." Horrifyingly true. The statictics of gun violence in the States becomes the proof. And the campus killings, including previous ones like in Columbine, committed by students younger than Cho, further prove how dangerous America is becoming now.

I was a student myself. I know how hard it can sometimes. The endless works, the difficult and demanding lecturers, peer pressure, family pressure - a lot of things can go wrong in a student’s life which leads to anger and frustration. Nobody understands you. And yet, all of us seem to forget that even if NOBODY in this world understands us, GOD does. He created us so He is the One to know us best. Thus, only He can help us truly solve our problems.

The problem with America is that the institutions of morale and religion hardly takes place in the hearts of both the youngs and the olds. These important elements are often looked down upon especially with the age of modernity and science. These are, in my opinion what makes a civilization truly strong. Look at Islam, for example. The Prophet emphasized on Tawhid - the belief in God, and also on Akhlaq - morality. Muslims must believe in Allah and that He is the Most Powerful and we, are just His humble servants. SERVANTS. Not subjects, not students, not children but SERVANTS which just shows how weak we actually are. Muslims are also taught the best behaviour in everything - from private and personal to the public lives that we lead. Even simple actions like eating, bathing and sleeping have their rules. And history have shown that Islam became strong during the time of the Prophet and the Khulafa’ Ar-Rasyidin because of these simple but often neglected ways of life. But America has strayed too far from both religion and morality. It has become fashionable and accepted to be an atheist and morality hardly exists. Homosexual marriages and relationships are accepted, no respect towards parents, not losing your virginity at 16 is uncool, alcohol is a part of life and thus, violence too has become a part of life.

And yes, while America is mourning the lives of 33 people in Virginia Tech, they are forgetting the lives of thousands of Iraqis and Afghans whom their soldiers killed in order to ’save’ them from the evils of their governments. Look at what is going on in Iraq and Afghanistan now. Have they been saved?

The Virginia Tech tragedy was a lesson from God. It might even be a warning of worst to come.

I need a job. Desperately.

So that I can now find a purpose in this live and a purpose for obtaining my degree.

Sigh…

It is just that I am so used to being busy. In campus, I hardly have time to read novels and even though having that time now is a luxury but too much luxury does tend to suffocate you, right? Haha. In campus, I always had meetings, classes, back-up classes, theatre practices,  assignments and tests to prepare for (not that I’m missing those horrible assignments and tests - haha!). Those kept me busy. Those kept me focused. But now, I no longer have that focus.

And that IS bad.

It gives me too much free time to think about unwelcome thoughts and what ifs. Too much for my liking and convenient which triggers the mood to…

MEROYAN!

Haha.

JOB. QUICK. NOW!

This goes out to my friends in IIUM spashly to dear gus-gus… with warm wishes, love and memories… Make sure you guys download that song and listen to it okay? Baru la gempak! Huhu.

My Wish
Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin’ till you find a window,
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything…

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to be,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.
Oh more than anything,
Yeah, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to be,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My days in IIUM has just recently ended. 5 years. 5 long but seemingly short years have closed their doors on me, leaving me with nothing but memories.

If a few years ago, I just could not wait to graduate especially during convocation period when it was fun to watch my seniors in their grand robes but now… I only wish to go back to where I was before. Wishful thinking eh?

The best times I had were in IIUM. I met the best and the worst of people there. I grew up there - emotionally and mentally. I came to terms with the worst and the best of me there.

And I’m already missing those moments…

Wargh! Sedih la!

There will no longer be long chats in Syima’s room, meroyan bersama-sama sambil gado-gado and majuk-majuk memain. Kelakar tul. Haha.

There will no longer be hanging out with Maira, Khai, Ez, Aizat, Kerun and the rest kat HS Cafe while waiting for my next class.

Heck! There will no longer be classes! Not that I am complaining… Haha. But I’ll miss my lecturers for sure. They are the best ever! Not only did they teach me what they were supposed to teach, they also taught me lessons of life, opening my otherwise small mind to the world.

There will no longer be meetings til late at night. Haha. And that means, no more organizing student-based activities. No more theatre practices, no more community services, no more English camps to organize.

There will no longer be American Literature discussions which turned out to be ‘truth or dare’ game with Hanim, Mar and Syima. Hahah. Buang masa tapi fun gile!

No more watching DVDs with my friends while singing along with the songs and music of a particular movie. No more sighing at gorgeous actors on the screen, lamenting on how unfortunate of us to never have a chance to meet them. This is especially concerning Syima and her Wentworth Miller dreams! Ahaha!

No more hanging out at Kubur (this is a group of food stalls and it’s near a cemetary - hence the name. IIUM kids are creative, you know!). No more Jaya Jusco. No more McDonald’s and Burger King drive-through with Bawang late at night saje-saje to catch up on gossips. No more Malinja too! Argh! Kuey Teow special!

No more bazaar Ramadhan yang sangat ramai orang. No more pasar malam where I got a chance to meet my friends there sampai Mar sumpah tak nak ikut pergi pasar malam anymore. Haha.

No more Ju-Are’s crazy and funny yet touching stories. No more Kak Rehah’s screams. No more Huda and Fida’s ‘dirty minds’. No more Tasya yang slalu amek makanan orang. Haha. I’ll miss my roomies. Definitely!

No more movie trips… unplanned, that is. I hope there will always be movie trips and get together but judging by the fact that all of us will be working soon, we definitely cannot go without making plans first.

And so… this is goodbye. For now. Only for now. I will always want to go back to IIUM to visit my friends who are still there and my group of juniors yang nakal-nakal.

To Gus-gus sekalian (Mar, Syima, Hanim, Atih, Iza) - Let’s forget our differences and treasure the moments we had together. You guys had given me more than I expected in your offers of love and friendship. I may not be the best of friends, but do know that I love you for who you are and who you strive to be. I wish you all success and happiness (including suami-suami soleh - haha!) in every step you take. Do know that when I look back to my days in IIUM, you guys will be a major part of those wonderful memories.

To Humaira, Ezrin, Khai - I know you’ll miss me. Haha! =p Being friends with you guys despite me being a little older than all of you is a blessing. You guys are exceptional individuals - each special in your own ways. And I know, when you leave, you’ll all make your mark in this world. And even though you guys think that you’ll not survive Arabic, trust me, YOU WILL! I did, you know?? Jangan meroyan tau! Huhu… Pray for me, okay?

To Kerun - When should we go out again? It’s a pity that we get to know each other way too late but I truly enjoy your company! Love you!

To Shakirah - No more sms one night before exams yeah? Haha. I’ll definitely miss you! You are after all, one of the first persons I met in IIUM and among the ones that stood beside me through these 5 years. Thank you!

To Fader - THANK YOU! For holding my hand (literally, okay?) when nobody else will. For believing in me, for trusting me, for being there, for standing by me during the hardest of times. Next sem aku takde, you make sure you get by okay? Remember, we only care for what is ours. Jangan amek kisah kalau orang tak suka tau… Huhu…

To Adiputra - If you ever forget me and my jasa-jasa, I akan menghantui u seumur hidup! Haha. Adi, you’re an awesome person. Cuma sengal and kejam jek kenkadang. Haha. It was nice to work with you despite our arguments. And since you live in Putrajaya jek, don’t act like strangers with me, okay? Thanks for everything - teaching me the ways when I got lost and sometimes, listening to my endless administrative problems. Haha. Hope you will achieve whatever you set your mind on. And remember: 3.0 at least tau! No less!

To my juniors - You guys rock! So happy to get to know you yet so sad that our acquaintance had been so short. Korang masuk IIUM 2 tahun lambat la. Hahah. Hope you will go on leading BENL people to the top, okay?

To my roomies and former roomies - Thanks for sharing your lives with me!

Well… it is kinda hard to address everyone here. But basically, all I am trying to say is that I LOVE YOU and I wish for the best for you! And you will always be remembered!

Oh yeah…

To YOU! - I will not ignore or forget about you even though you said you are not worth remembering. You have done much more for me than you ever noticed or realized. And yes, I do have faith and belief in you even when you don’t and even when you consider yourself a failure. I know you can be whatever you want to be no matter what. And thanks for spending so much time and money on me. Our acquaintances make me laugh and smile, you know? Okay budak feelingless? Haha!

This is goodbye then…

"You should aim for the moon. If you miss, you will land among the stars."

Thank you, dear friend for such kind, dear words. I really appreciate it. Truly do.

But right now, just being among the stars will not do. If I don’t get the moon, then I lose. For good. No other chance. Never again.

And the way things go right now, I may perhaps have just missed the moon… *sigh*