Rite. Write. Right.

One day while playing with Iman Amani:

Iman: Che Woh (that’s what she calls me!) , I want to tanjang tanjang!

Me: What?? Telanjang??

Iman: Yes! Tanjang tanjang! (excitedly)

Me: (numb and confused, thinking why in the world does my 3-year-old niece want to strip herself naked: is she hot, or uncomfortable in her clothes??)

Iman: (suddenly climbs up the railings near the window of the living room) See Che Woh! I tanjang tanjang!

Me: Oooohhhh… you mean, PANJAT! Not tanjang!

Iman: Yes! Tanjang!! (gleefully)

Oh kids… they are just impossibly adorable… Haha!

I miss UIA.

I want to go back to those old carefree days where days are spent going to classes and socializing among friends and nights are meant for meetings and crazy American Lit classes with funky and fun Kak Mei. Late nights are for hanging out with beloved and cool roommates like Huda, Fida, Tasha, Ju-Are, Kak Rehah, Hani, Linda and the rest. Really late nights are then spent freaking out over assignments due at 8 the next morning or studying for a 9 o’clock test or exam.

I miss those days. At least I had things to do back then.

I had PURPOSE.

Now I only have reasons to hate myself and consider myself a failure even more everyday…

Whoever said graduating is fun??

I hate this feeling.

The feeling of loss, where I don’t even know where to stand anymore. Like I don’t belong anywhere. I’ve left campus life, so where do I go now?

I really don’t mind not getting the Nestle job. Syima said only one person out of five who made it to the final interview is offered the job. At least I made it to the final interview. At least now I have the experience of going to scary interviews with a major multi-national company. Perhaps Kak Lin is right. I am not cut for that job, I should just stick to academic life. My interest: either Literature or Linguistics (Semantics, especially). But what if I can’t make those too? What if those universities send me the exact same letter that Nestle sent to me? "… while we are impressed with your qualifications, we are unable to make an offer to you right now…" The competition is so tough. I’m fighting against those who already have a Master’s degree and teaching experiences. How am I to win??? Kalau ada First Class Degree tu takpe la gak…

Ayah said if I can’t get in any university, he will pay for my Master’s. As much as I treasure his generosity, I refuse to let that happen. No way is he paying for my future anymore! He has been paying for my life ever since I was born and I never gave anything back! I don’t want that anymore. I have come to the stage where I should be the one giving to him and Mak. What can I give back to them now when I still use their money to buy food and my personal necessities??

And they can’t even attend my convocation ceremony now! Darn!

To those who asked and will ask…

No.

I still have yet to find a job.

Yes.

I do feel bad about it because my close pals, namely Syima and Mar have found jobs.

But no.

I have not given up.

Yes.

I did apply to a lot of places - multi-nationals, universities mainly.

Yes.

I actually did get one job offer but I rejected it because I know I’d not enjoy working there. Plus, there’d have been no career advancement anyway.

Yes.

I am still hanging around at home, watching tv, cds and dvds, surfing the net, playing with Iman Amani, sleeping and doing loads of reading.

Yes.

I have learnt how to cook. A bit, at least. Haha. Now I know how to make masak asam (KL style), sambal tumis and gulai masak kuning but mainly my mom asks me to cook the easiest dish of all - vegetables! Haha.

No.

I don’t know how long I’ll be staying home.

Yes.

I do know what I want for my future but I don’t know if I can manage to get it.

No.

I cannot belanja u guys coz I now survive on my parents’ money. - This is a special announcement for Humaira and gang. Haha.

Yes.

SMS me should you have any more questions.

And yes.

Thank you for all of you who supported (and is still supporting) me in my still endless quest of a job and a future.

THANK YOU

P/S: To Mar and Syima… Congratulations tp korang kena belanja I. Muahaha.

Self-deprecating - those who criticize themselves or represent themselves as foolish in a light-hearted way (according to Collins Cobuild Advanced Learner’s Dictionary)

Go figure…