Rite. Write. Right.

Honestly, when I reread my two entries a week or so ago (USED and A GREAT WEEKEND) written when I was pissed at him, I feel sooo stupid. I feel like deleting them but I don’t have the heart to delete my friends’ supportive comments too.

I feel STUPID for getting so angry over nothing. Like Atih said: "Dia lepak jek, pesal you nak emo ni?" Hehe. My bad, Atih, my bad. After a while, I admit what happened wasn’t as bad as the way I put it. Perhaps I got angry because I felt humiliated by his statements. Then again, his statements never really meant to humiliate me. In fact, when I recall his words, he said them in the nicest and most civilized possible way.

So embarassing, eh Amrah? Hehe.

Now everything is okay. I’m okay, he’s okay (I think).

Yes yes, I was being emotional, paranoid and extra-sensitive.

(runs away and hides under the bed)

Can someone please remind me why I decided to become a lecturer?

I am currently attending "Kursus Kaedah Penyelidikan Skim Latihan Akademik Bumiputera (SLAB) dan Skim Latihan Akademik IPTA (SLAI) untuk calon-calon yang akan bercuti belajar" in UKM. While the whole purpose of this programme is to introduce us to our future lives as PhD candidates and to give support and knowledge to us so that we will be ready to face the challenges that lie ahead, it is more successful in scaring the hell out of us. Well, at least now I know that I am not the only one who is intimidated by the idea of doing PhD. All the almost-50 academicians undergoing the same training have been complaining about the almost-impossible journey that we are about to undertake.

Here’s why:

"PhD is a long, emotional and lonely journey. When I was doing my PhD in the UK, I told my wife to pack things up and get ready to return to Malaysia three times as I was feeling too tired to continue my studies…" - Prof. Ir. Dr. Mohd. Jailani Mohd. Nor

"Tenaga akademik yang belum mempunyai ijazah Sarjana (tutor) tidak dibenarkan membuat ijazah Sarjana. Anda semua dikehendaki terus membuat PhD. Namun sekiranya anda gagal pulang dengan PhD (walaupun anda akan dianugerahkan MPhil), anda akan dipecat dari UKM dan akan diarahkan membayar balik semua biasiswa yang telah diberikan kepada anda." - Puan Normah Adam, Ketua Penolong Pendaftar, Unit Latihan, Jabatan Pendaftar, UKM

"One of the reasons why candidates fail their PhD is because of problems with the supervisors." - ALL the professors who gave us talks said this.

"The hardest thing to do when deciding your research area is to identify the research problem." - again, ALL professors said this.

"During viva, I have seen candidates cry because they couldn’t defend their theses. In fact, saya selalu hentam students." Prof. Ir. Dr. Mohd. Jailani Mohd. Nor

Well… these are some of the most intimidating statements made by the speakers at the course. If I was scared then, I am definitely terrified now. But my father said, "Bakpo nak takutnyo? Kalau takut, toksoh belajar.", which is of course, undeniable.

So, let’s just finish my proposal, submit my applications to universities and to UKM itself and tawakkal. Dapat tak dapat, lain cerita and frankly, I don’t care anymore. I just want to start my studies. But of course, doing my PhD means saying goodbye to my social life a.k.a my friends and my non-existent love life will be invisible. Hmm… nak kawen pun macam tak sempat jek. Haha.

But Allah knows best. Let Him decide. =)

Dear friends,

Please ignore my previous two posts. I was being irrational and yes… waaaay too emotional. I made everything that happened sounded worse than it actually was. Yes, I still feel used but there’s a whole other side and point of views of it that I didn’t see and I refused to see. Until I managed to calm down…

After talks with Atih, Syima and Chong, I managed to see the other side of the story. Not that they condone what he did but they gave reasons behind it. Well, they don’t know him personally but they did make several good points. But all are theories which can be proven either right or wrong so I made up my mind to let things be. Like I told them… I did everything possible already. I’m done so I have to move on with my life. Whatever happens (or don’t happen) next, Allah will decide.

So Atih, Syima and Chong, THANK YOU for showing me the side of the story which I failed to see at first.

Well, that’s what friends are for, huh? To show each other what is right and what is wrong…

And Syima… hope you are happy that I finally credited you in my blog. Hahaha. =p

To the rest of you people out there, I appreciate your support whole-heartedly. Now I know I have a large circle of friends always there for me! Love you guys to bits!

After a horrible week, I initially planned to mope around the house during the weekend. But then Asni asked to see me since we haven’t met in quite some time. At first I was a bit reluctant (no offence, Asni!) but not because of her. I love hanging out with my cousin and since she got married last year, we hardly spent time together anymore so I was glad that she wanted to meet up. My reluctance was because I didn’t think I would be a great company in my state of… well, craziness. Hehe. But then, I agreed and I am so glad I did!

Asni has classes on Saturdays (she’s doing her graduate studies in our alma mater) til 6.30 pm. So with around two hours to spare, I decided to head out to Alpha Angle Wangsa Maju. As I was looking for a cheap and decent pair of shoes to replace my work shoes (which is in a very sorry state), I ran into Ezrin whom I met last was when we went to watch ‘P. Ramlee The Musical’ in May. We ended up talking for an hour or more outside Vincci while her sister and mother were buying shoes. Catching up was fun. Man-bashing with her was EXTREMELY fun. Haha. Apparently, a lot of my friends right now are in the feminist mood which suits me just fine! Haha.

So I picked up Asni and we headed to her house as we were planning to have dinner with her husband, Abang Asib and her sister, Asna. Guess what happened? We got lost. We were talking and talking and she forgot that I didn’t know the direction to her house so we missed an exit to her house. As a result, the journey which was supposed to take 20 minutes took us an hour! Haha. Later that night, after she successfully persuaded me to stay over for the night, we went out to have dinner in Selayang, talking, gossiping and chit-chatting. We initially planned to watch a movie after dinner but we couldn’t agree on what movie to watch. I wanted to watch ‘The Dark Knight’ (to honour Heath Ledger), Abang Asib wanted to watch Hellboy 2 and Asni wanted to watch a chick flick (none is showing now la, dear…) so we ended up heading back home. Later that night, Asni and I had our ‘Sex and the City’ marathon. Okay, I regret not watching the show earlier! Seriously! Now I am dying to get all six seasons! The next day a.k.a this morning, we (minus Abang Asib) decided to go to Pavilion to watch ‘The Dark Knight’ and the movie is freaking awesome! Okay, okay, I admit, I cringed at all the violence it showed but otherwise, it was totally cool! And Heath Ledger as Joker is absolutely fantastic. He made both Asni and I squirmed every time he came into a scene. He was damn scary. I agree with the fans, he deserves to be recognized for his performance. I mean, as far as I know, he always played the good guy in his movies but once he was given the role of the villain, he played it flawlessly. Now that’s what I call versatility and talent. Too bad he’s dead. Anyway friends, go catch the movie!

When I reached home at 4, I was welcomed by a Pos Ekspress envelope with my name on it, posted all the way from Sarawak. When I opened it, I was pleasantly surprised to receive such a nice card and as I read the card, I nearly cried and laughed at the same time. What’s the occasion?  Nothing but simply a sweet gesture from a very good friend and sister trying to help me get my spirits up again. And you did it, Maira! Thank you so much! Love ya!

So what did I learn this weekend? I learned that there is no point to just mope around and feel sorry for myself. What happened has happened and no matter how bad I feel about it, there is no point of feeling so because that one person who managed to make me feel that way does not even care about what he did. What is worse is that while I am down with the blues, he is probably out there having fun. Heck, perhaps he doesn’t even think what he did was wrong! So why let him have all the glory and fun when I should be the one having a blast? So, move over, kid!

Thank you to all my friends who have stood by me. Atih (honestly, I don’t blame you at all, dear, so no worries there, okay?), Chong (yes, yes, I value your opinions especially since you’re the only one with a different point of view but right now, it makes me feel better to just bash him – haha), Humaira, Tiah, Tasya, Kak Rehah, Adi, Daus, Aizat, Kerun, Khai, Hanim, Ezrin and even Cali (even though I know you probably don’t know what happened but you tried to cheer me up anyway!). You guys made me realize that in my life, I have 1001 reasons to be thankful for but only a handful of regrets. Plus, life is about taking chances, right? And I took mine. Now I just have to learn from my mistakes.

And to Asni, you helped made my days brighter without even knowing them. And I love you for that, cousin dear… Let’s now plan for our next big trip!

There is nothing worst than the feeling of being used. And I have the unfortunate experience of allowing myself to be used in the worst kind of way by a person whom I thought would never have the heart to do that to me or to anyone else, for that matter.

Hey YOU!

I never asked if you were ready or not. I need not ask because I very well know that you, out of all people, are far from ready. I told you that I didn’t expect anything at all from what I told you. Nothing. But neither did I expect you to allow myself to be carried away by this when you claimed you knew what would happen.

If you knew from the start, why didn’t you distance yourself from me? You said you warned me and I perfectly understood your warning. In fact, I accepted it whole-heartedly. What I didn’t understand is your behaviour after that. You said I should have been wary but why you, yourself didn’t take any action after that supposed ‘warning’ even though you said you knew from the beginning?? Why should I have been the one always on guard? Why couldn’t you be a decent human being for once and did the honourable thing?

You see, I am not regretting the fact that I helped you. No way. In fact, if it wasn’t you who asked me for favours and help, I would have gladly assist as much as I could too. But what I am so furious about is the fact that you knew I would never say no to you and thus you used your (and I quote) ‘magic’ to fool me to make me do whatever you wanted me to do. Very clever of you. But don’t you feel it’s indecent? Even low, perhaps?

I am glad I told you what I told you. Because now I can go back to being who I was before you came along. Now I can focus on what is important in my life (and this no longer includes you). You see, while you are still searching and still planning about what you really want in your life, I am already ahead of you. In fact, I am ahead of you in many, many ways.

So you are one of those who are ‘priviliged’ enough to have made me feel so stupid about and so angry at myself. Thus, I return your ‘favour’ by being indifferent towards you. I no longer care but I do not hate. I did it before and I will do it again. I did it to one of my best friends whom I have known for years so I definitely can do it to you, who is just an extra in my life. I warned you too, remember? I told you not to underestimate me. You hurt me and now I will use that to repel you from my heart. It is now officially closed for you.

I cannot believe that I could even consider doing what I am about to do… Seriously! But I don’t see any other way or any other solution. Sampai bile nak macam ni kan? So I need to take charge and take matters into my own hands. I know the possibilities are endless but let’s not play safe anymore. I know a big burden will be lifted once the deed is done and I could start focusing on more important matters. But… I still get a stomachache everytime I THINK about it and I haven’t even done it!

So I pray and I hope I don’t:

a) make a fool out of myself

b) cry or get into a depression mode if I receive a negative respond

c) regret my decision

So friends, the ‘SEND’ button will probably be clicked on tonight at around 9 or 10. Wish me luck and pray for what is best for me…